Friday, January 25, 2008

alpha doggy doo-doo.

This SAHM is back again with My Better-Late-Than-Never Movie Review. Today I'll be reviewing the big piece of doggy doo-doo that is Alpha Dog. It was released in January of 2007 and here I am in January of 2008, finally reviewing it. (Although this descends into more of a rant about stupidity than it resembles a movie review, but here goes anyway).

First, let me describe the plot of the movie, with a spoiler warning (if you care):

A bunch of stupid idiots sit around drinking and smoking pot while acting like a bunch of stupid idiots. Then there’s this other drug-addicted stupid idiot who owes the first bunch of stupid idiots money. So the first bunch of stupid idiots decide to kidnap the other drug-addicted stupid idiot’s stupid idiot little brother. More stupid-idiocy ensues as the first bunch of stupid idiots steal the other drug-addicted stupid idiot’s stupid idiot little brother and proceed to drink and smoke and party and act like stupid idiots. Despite hundreds of witnesses and two days into a stupid idiotic kidnapping, at no point does anyone stop and say, “Hey! We’re being a bunch of stupid idiots. Maybe we should let the drug-addicted stupid idiot’s stupid idiot little brother go home.” The whole thing is stupid and idiotic. And then, just when it can’t get any stupider or more idiotic, a couple of stupid idiotic girls actually decide it’s cool to be kidnapped and help the stupid idiot little brother lose his virginity. Big whoop. At some point during all this idiocy, someone decides they might actually be in big trouble for kidnapping; but instead of using their brains and letting the stupid idiot little brother go, they decide to – not-that-I-care-spoiler-warning – kill him: a very logical progression of all the stupid idiocy that preceded this decision. And so they kill the drug-addicted stupid idiot’s stupid idiot little brother. The end. Big whoop.

The worst part about all of this stupid idiocy was the fact that Alpha Dog is based on a true story. I don’t actually blame the filmmakers for wasting my time with this doggy doo-doo because I’m sure they were telling it just like it really happened. My problem is that I have an intolerance for stupid idiots. I just can’t stand watching people willingly and knowingly act stupid and idiotic.

There, I said it. I’m a rationality snob. And while I’m at it, I’m an intellectual snob too. Although, it’s not so much that I have a problem with people who have low IQs. If you were sadly born with malformed grey matter or synapses that just don’t fire on cue, I apologize. If big words or simple math leave you stymied, I’m genuinely sympathetic. I’m sorry you have the IQ of a piece of furniture. Really I am. And while I’m at it, I’m also not talking about people with addictions. I’m very sorry and sympathetic to the horrible demons people must face as they battle drug or alcohol addiction. No offence is intended.

These types of stupidities and idiocies aren’t what I have a problem with. The stupidity I have no tolerance for it the stupidity that’s by choice. I’m not a prude, but I’m not really into drinking or doing drugs. I think it’s because I just can’t stand acting stupid and I don’t enjoy being around people who are. It’s a choice; and I question anyone who willingly wants to act stupid. Now I’m not talking about one or two drinks in a social setting. A nice cocktail, some hors d’oeurves? Lovely. But a keg of beer and ten pounds of pot? Not my idea of a good time.
The only reason I actually set my PVR to record this useless drivel was because it featured, not one, not two, but three of my favourite young male celebrities. I, for one, am a huge fan of Emile Hirsh. I loved him long before any of this hoopla from Into the Wild started. (Sidebar: I haven’t seen Into the Wild yet. Watch for My Better-Late-Than-Never Movie Review of it sometime next January.) Emile was cute in The Girl Next Door, wonderful in Imaginary Heroes and downright sexy in Lords of Dogtown. I’m a fan. Hence my massive disappointment in this movie. Emile was completely wasted. Another excellent young actor, Shawn Hatosy, was also wasted in this movie. I’ve always been a fan of his, particularly after his amazing performance as a schizophrenic patient on ER. It was a bad day when he chose to participate in the filming of Alpha Dog.

Finally, the most massive disappointment of all was the great love of my life, his royal hotness and pop superstar Justin Timberlake. Dear Justin. I love you. But you were not good in this movie. I encourage you to keep trying, if nothing else but so that I can see more of your hotness, but you were not good in this movie. You can sing. You can dance. You dress perfectly. You’re hot. Heck, I’ll bet you even smell good. But you were not good in this movie. Here’s an acting tip for you: more character, less caricature. When it comes to acting, subtlety is everything. Think gravitas.

I love the word gravitas. If you're not familiar, here's a definition for you from

gravitas \GRAV-uh-tahs\, noun:
High seriousness (as in a person's bearing or in the treatment of a subject). Gravitas is from the Latin gravitas, heaviness, seriousness, from gravis, heavy, serious. Gravitas (specifically dignity, seriousness and duty) is one of the several virtues that ancient Roman society expected men to possess, along with pietas and dignitas. Gravitas should not be confused with gravity in the sense of importance, although they have a common etymology, coming from the Latin for weightiness.

Justin. Hear this: less is more. Try a little gravitas on for size. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, watch anything that Ken Watanabe has done. This guy does nothing, but says everything with his gravitas. Morgan Freeman has always had a good handle on gravitas too. Clint Eastwood has met gravitas once or twice. You get the picture Justin. Keep trying, because I love you and I want to see more of you once your pop music career finally fades. Keep going because I will love you when I’m eighty.

Enough about Justin. Wait. I can’t belive I wrote that. There’s never enough Justin. Anyway, back to the movie review: now here’s the really stupid and idiotic part. Not only was I stupid and idiotic enough to sit though this piece of crap (in the hopes that someone would come to their senses by the end of the movie and stop acting stupid and idiotic), but I actually wrote an excessively long review about it. (btw - for those of you wondering where I found the time to type this post while at the same time looking after our daughter, I wrote it last night and posted it this morning). I suppose this review was really just a thinly veiled way to rant about stupidity and to talk about the hotness that is Justin Timberlake. Justin, if you’re mad at me for not liking this movie, I encourage you to come give me a good spanking. I’ll forgive you and then ask you to do it again.

I love you Justin, but I really couldn’t care less about this movie.

For those of you keeping score, here are My Better-Late-Than-Never Movie Review stats for Alpha Dog:

Hotter than hot pop music superstars 1
Hot young male actors wasted in a role 2
Stupid idiots > 243
Stupid idiots drinking excessive amounts of alcohol > 243
Stupid idiots smoking excessive amounts of pot > 243
Stupid kidnapped idiots who lose their virginity in a swimming pool 1
Good Laughs 0
Weak Giggles 0
Hotter than hotter pop music superstars acting like fools 1
Stupid idiots who decide to kill someone because they’re too stupid to figure out another way of solving their problem 5
Times I mumbled I love you Justin under my breath while watching Alpha Dog 47
Times I hoped I wasn’t offending the other great love of my life Leonardo diCaprio while I was writing this review 23

Times I typed God instead of Dog while writing this review 9

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