Thursday, February 14, 2008

laughing out loud crying all night alone in the dark funny. and other random ramblings.

For those of you who actually read my blog, I’m sorry there haven't been many original compositional works in the last few days. I'm just getting to the tail end of this crappy head cold and my writing mojo hasn't returned yet.

Instead of treating you to some poorly evolved thoughts and grammatically shoddy sentences, I thought I'd share with you a ridonkulously funny blog that makes me laugh out loud every time. The blog is 15 Minute Lunch and this is my favourite 15 Minute Lunch blog post of all time. I've read it ten times or more and I still laugh so hard I cry. Don't forget to read the comments afterwards. Some are almost as funny as the post itself.

On the laughter note, I thought I’d also share with you how my blog got its name. I’m assuming you haven’t scanned all the way back to my first few posts, so check out the explanation here.

The whole laughing alone in the dark title is actually multifaceted (I love that word). Not only does it specifically and literally refer to me lying in bed at night giggling to myself about something funny that happened that day, but it also has a figurative meaning.

When I first started this blog (not all that long ago) I was feeling quite lonely and isolated. Alot of this is explained ad nauseum in my previous posts about The Happy Girl. Click on The Happy Girl label to the right if you're interested in more of this type of drivel.

I’ve been a stay at home mom for almost three years and I’ve literally stayed at home for 99% of that time. Yes, we’ve taken a few vacations, but day in and day out, I have been Csilla’s primary caregiver and most of that care giving has been done within these four walls we call home.

No daycare, no nanny, no part-time job. It's just me. And Csilla. Here. Every day.

(I'd be remiss at this time if I didn't say I also have a wonderful husband and a helpful mother, but they have jobs. And they get tired too. So most of the time, it's just me caring for Csilla.)

When people say they can’t believe that Csilla’s almost three I say, “I can.

I think to myself, “Hell. Let me tell you. I’ve been here at home with her the whole time. Every. Single. Day. For three years. You can’t believe she’s almost three? I can’t believe she isn't almost twenty.”

Sometimes it feels like that long.

Don’t get me wrong. I adore Csilla. Adore. I’m so head over heels in love with her that I actually admire her poop. Seriously. She’s potty training. I’ve done it.

Now I know I’m not the only mom to have done this. (Not the admire the poop part; the stay at home part). In fact, most moms stay at home with two and three and four or more kids and I’m only looking after one. I should have nothing to complain about right?

But I do. It’s just that oftentimes I feel very trapped and isolated in my role as a stay at home mom. This blog is my way of reaching out: of communicating with the world at large. Before I was a mom I worked in communications and promotions. Outreach. That’s what I did for a living.

To go from that to almost total isolation from the rest of humanity has been a tough blow.

I traded emails with an old friend from high school recently and she touched on exactly how I’ve been feeling. She helped to clarify what I've been thinking lately:

I want to envolve. I want to grow.

But evolving as an individual becomes much more complex when you have a husband and a child.

I feel frustrated and stuck in a holding pattern where I am not able to develop and change because of my current circumstances of being a wife and a stay at home mom. I can't just up and move or do something different like I used to simply because I’m bored.

I guess this is life’s challenge.

I recently did a Colorstrology reading at Pantone.com (a very cool colour theory web site) and thought it was pretty silly until I got my reading.

This is what it said:

“A life filed with love is very important to you. People feel better when you are around. Try not to let disappointments dull your natural enthusiasm for life. Transformation is an integral part of your life. Although some of life's experiences can be challenging, you can count on them to move you toward your soul's purpose.”

Freaky.

This is exactly what I needed to hear.

Right now I must cling to the idea that the dissatisfaction I feel is a lesson I need to learn; that my frustrations are opportunities in disguise.

Perhaps I can move towards my soul’s purpose by embracing and accepting my challenges instead of struggling against them.

Taoist philosophy talks about this. In a very oversimplified way, Taoism suggests that it’s a mistake to force a round peg into a square hole.

Maybe I should stop trying to swim upstream and just go with the flow.

Wow.

Maybe I did feel like writing tonight.

Where was I going with all this?

Right. The blog title. Multifaceted.

So.

At the height of my frustration and depression about this life I’ve found myself trapped in, I would literally laugh alone in the dark. But not in a good way. This laughing was more in a crazy-depressed-get-me-out-of-here sort of way.

My blog title is reflective of that feeling.

It’s a reminder of where I’ve been and where I want to go.

I’m hoping this blog and my writing will be transformative. That my crazy-depressed laughing will slowly yield to the true laughter of happiness and that my feelings of loneliness will eventually disappear.

Writing is one of the best ways I know how to make this happen.

And, if you bothered to read this far, thanks for joining me on the journey.

10 comments:

Maggie May said...

Well, I am reading your blog & like it! Glad you got an award.
Will be back!

the mother of this lot said...

I just came from RC's blog to say that the header you made for looks fantastic! If she doesn't want it, I'm thinking of changing the name of my blog and having it myself!!

Kimberly said...

Looke like you got your mojo back...that was brilliantly put. I've had a lot of difficulty with the transition between working and staying at home. A -lot- of difficulty. I've never been able to express it so eloquently though. Thank you.

Lisa said...

I've been laughing alone in the dark for 12 years. ;o)

Came over via RC. Nice blog.

Retiredandcrazy said...

Like you, I love my children, but staying at home alone with them all day is not a natural state. We should live in a tribe and have the other old farts look after the children. Hey, what am I saying, I am one of those other old farts now!

Johnny Virgil said...

Hi there. Thanks for the link. I'm glad I can make you laugh. I'm not a stay at home mom, but I like your writing.

JV

Sandra said...

Hi, I found you through Kimberly. I agree with you and I wish we had had internet and blogs when my kiddos were younger and I was alone and isolated. I also agree with retiredandcrazy about the tribes. Women in pioneer times stayed home, but were no so isolated as we are with all our fancy gadgets and technology. Thanks for expressing it so nicely and for reaching out and allowing us all privy to your feelings.

Carla Marion Peritz said...

I just stumbled upon your blog 5 minutes ago and love it! Your writing is cute and fun and funny. I'm a reluctant career woman/working mom who'd kill to stay at home with my almost one-yaer-old son, but life had other plans for me. Oh, and my husband adores my paycheck. Kidding. A little. Seriously, though, having to work and be a mom is forcing me to actually go against everything I ever thought was right. It's crazy nuts. Cheers, Carla

Carla Marion Peritz said...

...Oh and I just wanted to add that I loved what you wrote about Taoism suggesting "that it’s a mistake to force a round peg into a square hole". THAT just helped ME put into order what I've been going through since my son was born. "I want to be a stay-at-home mom. I want to be a stay-at-home mom." Over and over, I'd scream that to God and anyone who'd listen, but it didn't happen. The universe says "no" right now, and here I am today...left to wonder why it all did work out the way it has so far, which is what it appears you are doing as well.

Carolyn said...

Thanks for your comments everybody. My goal with this blog is to be totally honest with my feelings (regardless of who is reading) so it's nice to know there's a community of people out there who can relate to what I'm saying or at least sympathize with me.

And to Johnny specifically: I'm flipping out that you actually posted a comment on my blog. You're the funniest blogger EVER. I'm so flattered. I think I have a crush on you. Hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable.